- Linda Newton - BLOG

Fear of Success?

Sun, 05 Feb 2012 20:35:09 -0800

I just spent the most amazing weekend with some dedicated people attending my Healing the Hurts That Are Holding You Back Workshop. It was obvious throughout the weekend that God was on the job. One of the awesome attendees asked for this insight that I shared from an article in Psychology Today, so I am posting it here.
Fear of Failure and Fear of Success
Fear of failure will make you try to fit into a standard, but fear of success will make you do anything to avoid reaching that standard. While fear of failure is out there and everybody knows about it, fear of success is hidden so deep in our identity we may not recognize it, but it can be much worse for us.
Fear of failure is associated with making mistakes and not getting approval, while fear of success is the fear of doing things right and therefore not being accepted, not being appreciated and not being able to maintain the level of achievement and success.
While fear of failure results in avoidance, fear of success results in self-sabotage. People with a fear of failure try to avoid the pain of failure. They do not do anything that might lead them to failure. This behavior looks like lack of motivation.
People with fear of success, are also perceived as lacking motivation. If they do achieve success, they quickly mess it up. This way, their unsuccessful identity can be maintained.
They tell stories of "almost success," of self destructive behavior immediately after major success, like "Just when he had enough money, he blew it" or "Just when they bought a new house, he lost his job".
Sigmund Freud wrote an article in 1915 called, "Those Wrecked by Success". He described a tendency to fail "precisely when a deeply rooted and long-cherished wish has come to fulfillment... as though they were not able to tolerate happiness".
Sounds funny?
Well, it is not!
Freud described the fear of success as a perceived need to fail, not an option or a desire but a need. Some people develop the identity of a failure and in order to maintain it, they consciously or subconsciously sabotage everything that could prevent them from fulfilling this self-image.
I believe that because the fear of success exists at the identity level, the source of the problem is not only the parents but all the main identity agents - parents, teachers, other family members and, later on in life, peers.
Another theory related to fear of success is the Imposter Syndrome. This is when people develop a belief that their success is not real, and they live in fear others will discover they are not "really" good at what they do and they are only pretending to be successful.
As Christians we know we aren’t perfect, Jesus knows the real imperfect us and love us anyway! We know can’t get it right without the Holy Spirit’s help. Our righteousness is as filthy rags. Isaiah tells us that the Lord exchanges our filthy rags for His righteous robes. Christ in us our only hope of glory. Now we can be real about who we are because it’s not us, it’s Christ anyway! I think that deserves a hearty amen! Don’t you?

Essentials

Mon, 23 Jan 2012 21:41:46 -0800

This week I attended the funeral of an 86 year-old-lady who lived her life to love Jesus and her family, and so many of the people she cared for attested to that. Everyone there received a program, and in it were excerpts from her journal, insights into a life well-lived. This was one of those insights that she practiced because the results were evidenced in her life~

8 Essentials to Be More Like Our Lord

1. Intimacy—Deepening our lives

2. Simplicity—Uncluttering our mind

3. Silence & Solitude—Slowing our pace

4. Surrender—Releasing our grip

5. Prayer—Calling out

6. Humility—Bowing down

7. Self-Control—Holding back

8. Sacrifice—Giving over

These words inspire me and provide a template for me to review each day as I seek to embrace more of God in my life. I pray it will help you too.

New Year's Focus

Sun, 01 Jan 2012 21:05:11 -0800

I read this recently and I thought it was the perfect focus on the first day of a brand new year! Happy 2012! May you be inspired~
“You are in God’s place at God’s perfect time. Your hands are in His hands, and He is your future. He has gifted you and placed you and placed His hand upon you to bless you and make you a blessing. The burden of your ministry is not yours to carry—as you rest, He will work; as you abide, He will bring fruit; as you sow, he will give the increase. He is your shield and your exceeding great reward.”

Silent Night, Holy Night~

Sat, 24 Dec 2011 08:33:49 -0800

Last night we had an awesome Eve of Christmas Eve service at church, two of them, in fact, because we had so many folks attend. It was wonderful to see peeps who have grown up as kids in the church come back home to visit family, many of them with kids of their own!

We sang my favorite, Silent Night and as the words played over in my head, I heard: Silent night, holy night, all is calm, all is bright… and I thought of all the peace and all the light the Baby Jesus has brought into my life.

Even in times of greatest stress growing up in an abusive home, I felt His calm in the midst of the chaos. In times of fear and darkness when I didn’t know if my youngest daughter would live through another heart surgery, I felt His bright light penetrate the dark gloom that threatened to consume me.

On this Christmas Eve, I pray that no matter what you are going through, you will allow His calm and his bright light to surround you so that you can draw up strength from His.

Merry Christmas!
Lovin’ Jesus,
Linda

A Christmas Parable

Sun, 18 Dec 2011 23:32:41 -0800

I found this Christmas Parable in my file. It’s probably been there for years. It’s so worth sharing now…

Once upon a time, there was a man who looked upon Christmas as a lot of humbug.
He wasn’t a Scrooge. He was a very kind and decent person, generous to his family, upright in all his dealings with others.
But he didn’t believe all the stuff about an incarnation which churches proclaim at Christmas, and he was too honest to pretend that he did.
When his wife asked if he would go to church with her and the kids to the midnight Christmas Eve service, he told her, “I’d feel like a hypocrite. I simply can’t understand this claim that God became a man. But I’ll wait up for you.”
Shortly after his family left, snow began to fall. He went to the window and watched the flurries getting heavier and heavier.
“If we must have Christmas,” he reflected, “it’s nice to have a white one.”
He went back to his chair by the fireside and began to read his newspaper.
A few minutes later, he was startled by a thudding sound. It was quickly followed by another, then another. He thought that someone must be throwing snowballs at his living-room window.
When he went to the front door to investigate, he found a flock of birds huddled miserably in the snow. They had been caught in the storm, and in a desperate search for shelter had tried to fly through his window.
“I can’t let these poor creatures lie there and freeze to death,” he thought. “But how can I help them?”
Then he remembered the barn where the children’s pony was stabled. It would provide warm shelter.
He quickly put on his coat and his boots and tramped through the deepening snow to the barn. He opened the doors wide and turned on the light.
But the birds didn’t come in. “Food will bring them in,” he thought. So he hurried back to the house to get bread crumbs which he sprinkled on the snow to make a trail into the barn.
To his dismay, the birds ignored the crumbs and continued to flop around helplessly in the snow.
He tried shooing them into the barn by walking around and waving his arms. They scattered in every direction-except into the warm barn.
“They find me a strange and terrifying creature,” he said to himself, “and I can’t seem to think of any way to let them know they can trust me.”
“If only I could be a bird for a few minutes, perhaps I could lead them to safety.”
Just at that moment, the church bells began to ring.
He stood silently for a while listening to the bells pealing the glad tidings of Christmas. Then he sank to his knees in the snow.
“Now I understand,” he prayed. “Now I see why You had to do it.”

We’re Human Beings Not Human Doings

Sun, 11 Dec 2011 20:27:34 -0800

That is something we need to be reminded of during the hectic holidays. We have to set realistic expectations and refuse to keep up with the Jones, Paula Deen or Martha Stewart…especially Martha Stewart! Through some frustrating circumstances, I found some help for my need to perform. I wrote about it in this talk. I hope this helps you stop and smell the pumpkin pie this holiday season:

Do you find yourself struggling to measure up? You’re not alone. I’ve wasted so much time in my life running myself ragged wondering if I was good enough. I had to pull a 4.0 grade point average, be president of every club, and struggle for first chair in band. Whether it was my weight, grades, housekeeping, or parenting, I made myself neurotic trying to prove that I was worth something.
One day in my late twenties, after chasing two preschoolers all day, cleaning up the same mess again and again, and wondering why I agreed to not only host a Bible study group but to lead it, I collapsed in a heap of exhaustion. The words of Matthew 11 echoed in my head, “Come to me, all you who are weary and burdened, and I will give you rest.”
     I had just yelled at my kids for being kids and now they were cowering in their rooms. Feeling guilty, discouraged, and wondering why I felt so compelled to be Superwoman, I picked up my Bible to read what I had remembered from Matthew--
“Come to me, all you who are weary and burdened, and I will give you rest. Take my yoke upon you and learn from me, for I am gentle and humble in heart, and you will find rest for your souls. For my yoke is easy and my burden is light’ were the words from Matthew 11:28-30.”

I realized that in that moment God was showing me that I am not a human doing--I get to be a human being! What a relief!
Here is Matthew 11:28, in the The Message—
“Are you tired? Worn out? Burned out on religion? Come to me. Get away with me and you’ll recover your life. I’ll show you how to take a real rest. 29 Walk with me and work with me—watch how I do it. Learn the unforced rhythms of grace. I won’t lay anything heavy or ill-fitting on you. 30 Keep company with me and you’ll learn to live freely and lightly.”

        I was laying heavy and ill-fitting trips on myself.
Lord was saying, “You don’t have to be Superwoman any more.”
    What a relief because it’s way too much work to try to look good in those tights!
   The Apostle Paul tells us in Philippians 2:2 to work out our salvation with fear and trembling. It has been the work of my salvation to learn how to REST! And I am still a student!
At the time when I had my mommy melt-down, I didn’t know why I felt compelled to look up the word “rest” in the Strong’s Concordance—maybe because I needed it so badly. I know now it was the Lord’s leading me to a rich a gold nugget of life changing information.

Here is the NUGGET ALERT!!! I don’t want you to miss this one! The word “rest” in this verse in the Greek is the word “exempt.” I bawled like a baby as I heard the Lord say, “You’re exempt from your striving, Linda. You’re enough.” I think every woman needs to hear this message because of the standards we hold ourselves to. If we work we feel guilty for neglecting our kids. If we stay home we worry that we are not living up to our potential. If we devote any time to one we feel guilty for shorting the other. It is easy to feel that we are in no woman’s land!
      As I continued to read what God had for me the day of my mommy melt-down, I read, “Take my yoke upon you and learn from me for I am gentle and humble in heart,” When I’m in my hyper-vigilant overachiever mode, I am anything but gentle and humble. I’m harried, angry, and impatient, and everyone around me can attest to that!
That’s why my poor children were in their rooms that day fearing that the mommy dragon was going to breath fire again.”
     Reading those verses in Matthew instructed me to take Christ’s yoke, learn from Him, and I would find rest. A yoke is a set of instructions in the Greek, an agenda, if you will. In that moment I heard the Lord say, “Trade ya, Linda. You take my load and I’ll take yours. An easy yoke is not a joke!”
    Constantly trying to prove myself is anything but an easy load. That scripture reminds me that I am exempt from needing to be perfect in order to prove I’m lovable, and that Christ in me is my only hope of glory.” (Colossians 1:27) I don’t have to prove to anyone—including myself that I’m enough. Jesus took care of that at Calvary.
When we recognize that we are exempt from living up to the expectations we have for ourselves and from those we can’t please we can instead PLAY TO AN AUDIENCE OF ONE. If the Creator of the Universe is happy with who we are, that’s enough! So we seek His will and His yoke. I learned better how to do that at a pastor’s conference we attended not long ago.

   John Ortberg asked at a gathering of nearly 3000 pastors and their wives how we answer when we are asked, “How are you doing spiritually?”
Ortberg said when I was asked that, “I’d normally give a run down on my quiet time! Remember at church camp when your spirituality was determined by how seriously you took that concept. But I know now that I can be spending quiet time and not necessarily be drawing any closer to God-just going through the motions to look good to the Christians around me.”
His words made me realize that if I focus on my performance it puts me in that place of being a human doing again. Orberg then said that he got some insight from Dallas Willard, one of the great thinkers and philosophers of the faith. Willard said, “I inventory how I am doing by asking these questions:
Am I easily irritated?
Am I easily discouraged?
Not how spiritual do I look, or am I checking things off my Christian TO DO List. It’s what I going on inside of my heart that determines how I am.

HERE IS SOME INSTRUCTION TO HELP APPLY THIS: When I find myself answering yes to either of these questions, I need to take inventory and see if this is my own doing or if it is from the Lord. If it is from Him, it may be difficult, but I’ll feel His peace. Ask this question every time: Is this an ill-fitting trip I am laying on myself or is this from God? If we can spend quiet time at His feet, He will show us His yoke!

Something to be Thankful For

Mon, 21 Nov 2011 09:50:06 -0800

I love the verse from The Message Bible, “Congenial conversation—what a pleasure! The right word at the right time—beautiful! It’s from Proverbs 15:23. I got this positive email at the right time…when I really needed the encouragement. It made me more aware of how much I want to tell people when they bless me. That’s what Cathy did for me!

Hi Linda,
I'm not sure if I ever told you this. Many years ago when the church was still in the little building, when I very first attended, it seemed like every time I had a problem that I was struggling with, if I came to services on Sunday, your husband’s sermon addressed exactly whatever my problem was !
This happened consistently for the first 10 or 20 times that we ever came to
Sierra Pines.
I took that as a personal 'text' from God, and I remember knowing that
in that building, and on that chair, was exactly where God wanted me to be at that moment.
So I kept coming back to your church, feeling very quickly that it was my home.
And now again, in my life, what I'm struggling with is reaching crisis proportions, and I came home from work at 11 pm this certain night, to find that you had emailed me your On-line Encouragement which -of course, and by no accident - addressed and said exactly what God wanted me to hear. Linda, I broke into tears, not yet solving anything, but definitely knowing that I am not alone, that the God you facilitate for me is there with me, listening, and holding me in His arms.
So I just wanted to thank you for your very special ministry !
Cathy Johnson

Here is the On-line Encouragement I sent Cathy:
Eat a Bullfrog
I was speaking at a women’s retreat a few weeks ago, and I shared this insight I learned in my early working years, and several women told me that it was helpful to them. So I thought I would share it with all of ya’ll.
Have you ever lost sleep or had your guts churn because you had to handle something you didn’t want to deal with? Your peace of mind can be robbed when you don’t take care of things that you dread, and, instead, you let those things ruminate around in your head! (I think I’ve just stumbled onto another “gem of insight.” Don’t be surprised if you hear that in an upcoming talk!)
Rest eludes us as our stomach roils, and our head aches when we avoid doing things that are difficult. The best thing for our peace and sanity is to get that challenging task over with. I worked for a boss just out of college who said, “Eat a bullfrog in the morning and nothing worse can happen to you for the rest of the day!” His words of wisdom changed my life. Before I would rent space in my head for days, losing sleep and feeing miserable. That took years off my life until I heard this sage advice.
In other words, make your to-do list for the day, and put that challenging matter first on the list. Muster your gumption (Can you tell my boss was southern?) and get it done. Then it’s off your list, and you can go on to have a peaceful and productive day, minus the nail biting, hand-wringing, and the fear and trepidation!
So you may have to tell your husband that your bank account is over-drawn—again! Eat the bullfrog. You may need to tell your adult kids they need to pay rent. That was the agreement they made when they moved in, and they haven’t given you any money in 3 months. Eat the bullfrog! You may have to muster your gumption to tell the boss that you can’t do anymore overtime because it’s costing your family too much stress. (Tell him in the nicest possible way, of course, because he does sign your paycheck!)
When it comes to mustering gumption, God has always helped me out! Ask Him for the strength to do the tough stuff. He will give you the words, the wisdom, and the want-to. He’s done it for me and my days run a lot more smoothly, even if I have had bullfrog for breakfast!

Bless you during this busy season,
Linda

Early Bird

Sun, 13 Nov 2011 18:39:56 -0800

Is it Neiman Marcus in the press for their stand not to clutter up the Thanksgiving season with Christmas? I have to say I appreciate that. I hate the feeling that I am being pressured to focus on Christmas shopping and spending before I’ve even planned my Thanksgiving desserts. However, I’ve tried something different this year. During the first week of November, I set out most of my Christmas decorations interspersing them with Thanksgiving pretties. My house is now decked with “Thanksmas or Christ-giving.” I’ve already had moments to relish the season before the stampede of scheduled events overtakes me. I have even sat with a cup of tea next to manger scene that my 5^th graders bought me fifteen years ago and…rested. That would sadly NEVER happen in December!

Being in a pastor’s house, church keeps us off-and-running as soon as we flip over the calendar from November. Not that I don’t love it all, but I usually end up slapping up my Christmas decorations in the slivers of time between dinners, parties and choir presentations. Then I seldom get even a second to enjoy them. Now in early November before any holiday pressure has started, I have one big job already done and I am getting the chance to appreciate both the decorations and the season more. I am going to do this every year from now on! Tomorrow is Nov. 14^th, I think I’ll put up my tree!

I’d love to know what you think…even if you believe I am desecrating fall by moving ahead too soon!

Praying Moms

Sun, 06 Nov 2011 15:40:02 -0800

This was an email I received from a caring mom. I asked permission to share it on my Blog, because I believe it will give hope to many caring parents. May God “fill you with hope” as you read it!

Linda,

I recently attended a retreat where you spoke to us about our ”Bling from the King.” I was very moved at the last session where you asked us to relinquish our burden as we laid down our stone you had given us that represented our burdens. In exchange, we picked up our “Bling,” our promise from God in His Word.

The Word I received was from Joel 2:25, "So I will restore to you the years that the swarming locust has eaten." The reason this verse is so significant is because both my children have chosen to live their lives a part from God. I started attending church when my children were little (my daughter 6, my son 4). So, it broke my heart when the basically walked away from the church and any form of a relationship with Him. My daughter chose the path of single parenting and promiscuity; my son is gay and in a homosexual relationship.

When I picked up that verse, I felt like God had seen and felt my pain for the first time in a long time. And, despite my struggles with faith, somehow this verse held so much "promise" and hope for me. As if the "uplift" I received from the receipt of this verse was not enough, God went even further. This past Friday evening, my son called me out of the blue just to tell me that for some reason he could not explain, he felt compelled to go into this church he was passing. He listened to his heart, stopped his car, and went in. I'm not sure who he spoke with at the church, but he did speak to someone and they gave him a Bible which he has been reading.

You have no idea how many times I've tried without success to get my children to go to church and/or read the Bible. For my son to do this solely based upon the prompting of the Holy Spirit means so much. It made me realize just how much I need to get out of God's way and let Him work things out the way only He can.

I just wanted to thank you for listening to God, because you allowed Him to use you greatly that day -- at least in my life.

I know my son and God still have a long way to go in their relationship, but at least the seeds have been put in place. I'm looking forward to seen what God has in store for the future.

Again, thanks for your service and God Bless.

3 “Cs” for Healthy Friendships

Sun, 30 Oct 2011 19:18:20 -0700

This is an addendum to my Blog post on 10/15/11. I talked about setting healthy boundaries in relationships and not getting recruited or Conscripted into caretaking those around you. What I shared is actually the third “C” in my Three “Cs” for Healthy Friendships from my book, 12 Ways to Turn Your Pain Into Praise. In this post, I’d like to share with you the other 2 “C’s.”

1. Do let Confidence empower you.

2. Don’t let Comparison infect you.

3. Don’t get Conscripted (or recruited to care-take needy people).

Our lack of confidence can limit us unless we allow the Lord to redefine us through the positive comments of the people He places in our lives. Then we will realize how much we have to offer.

The book of James tells us, “every good and perfect gift is from above, coming down from the Father of heavenly Lights, who does not change like shifting shadows,”(James 1:17). So what we seek is not actually confidence but rather “God-fidence”. That’s an understanding that God gets the credit for what is beneficial and capable in us, and it will cure both our arrogance and our insecurity. We no longer need to alienate others with our self-importance nor avoid them in our self-consciousness. So it’s actually not self-esteem we’re seeking but “Jesus-esteem”. When we embrace the Lord’s view of ourselves, we’re free to be comfortable in our own skin. God’s opinion of us is revealed in His Word, through the compliments of other people, and through listening for His gentle whisper every day. It’s possible to rest in the “God-fidence” of all He has given us, and let it work for us in healthy friendships.

Not only do we allow insecurity to keep us from relationships but comparison can prove to be an equally detrimental culprit in our efforts to connect with other people as well. We can avoid people because when we compare ourselves to those around us, we can feel like we don’t measure up. The truth is everybody feels that way to some degree. We waste valuable time when we feel inferior as we weigh ourselves against others because we don’t know their whole story.

That point was made so clear to me when Angela came to see me. She was an exquisite Italian lady with a flawless olive complexion, big brown eyes, and cascades of auburn hair that was her best advertisement as the hairdresser famed for founding the “Best Little Hair House in Kansas.” She was the talk of Topeka until she married Bart. Everyone knew it wouldn’t work, except for her. He was a demanding jealous drunk, but he had money, and he said he’d take care of her. He told her he’d move her away from all of her hard work and build her a beautiful shop in their garage. Then she could do hair only when she wanted to. But Angela found out too late that it was just another way for him to control her every move.

“He did it again,” she said with tears soaking her perfectly tanned cheeks. “He came home accusing me of cheating. Linda, he keeps me so busy cleaning the ‘big beautiful house I worked so hard to buy for you’ I don’t have time to cheat if I wanted to. I hate my life,” she sobbed. I want to be Elaine.”

Her last statement didn’t surprise me. Angela had mentioned Elaine quite a bit. Elaine worked with Angela’s mom until she married Ernie. He was a millionaire and he made sure everybody knew it. Ernie bought Elaine anything she wanted—a new mustang, cultured pearls, and a fifty thousand dollar kitchen makeover. He had even purchased expensive colored contacts for her even though she didn’t need corrective lenses. Angela was always comparing her life to Elaine’s and that left her constantly feeling gypped.

After talking about her feelings, Angela explored with me a possible plan to get her husband help with his drinking and restore some sanity to their relationship. As a baby Christian, asking God for help with life issues was new to her, but she prayed with me that God would give her strength and wisdom in her marriage. She left that day with renewed vigor to seek the Lord everyday for the help and hope she needed.

Guess who showed up at my door just one week to the day? You guessed it—Elaine! But she didn’t come for help because she had already made up her mind. Crying a squishy puddle on my carpet, she sobbed out her colored contacts saying, “I can’t take it any more. I don’t care how much money my husband has, it doesn’t give him the right to scream at me all the time. He yells at my boys too. Nothing they do pleases him. They are good boys and they don’t deserve his abuse. I honestly think he hates them, and I can’t figure out why. I’m ready to walk.”

I learned a valuable lesson about comparing that day. When Angela compared her life to Elaine’s she came up short—only because she didn’t know the real story. So now, I don’t compare myself to anybody, because I don’t know what’s really going on in another person’s life. And neither do you. So you’re fired from comparing! It’s a huge waste of time. Spend your energy instead on reviewing your own Blessed List. When your do, you’ll realize how good you’ve got it in God.

With what I blogged earlier about not getting “conscripted” to do for others what they need to do for themselves, that completes out 3 Cs of healthy relationships. I hope that helps you! It keeps me sane